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Babies Do Active Shooter Drills Too
When people want to be dramatic they’ll talk about how even five year olds have to do active shooter drills. The reality is even more dramatic than that. Babies do them.
All teachers in the United States have to think about them, including the ones who teach babies. I worked at a daycare for several years and had to do an active shooter drill in the toddler classroom. There’s no good way to hide sixteen toddlers and keep them quiet. They don’t even know how to play hide and seek yet.
I strategized with preschool teachers about what our best option would be if a gunman came into the school.
I worked at the front desk the day after Sandy Hook happened. Needless to say it freaked me out. All day I thought about what I would do if someone with a gun came in. I would’ve been the first line of defense. I’d hit the alarm button of course, but then what? I wouldn’t win a physical fight, especially with me starting out behind a desk. It’d be great if begging worked, but I’d be shocked.
After hours of pondering I realized my best bet would be to offer him a blowjob. He wouldn’t be expecting it.
Now I’m a comedian and one of my darkest jokes is about that realization. Drunk people in bars freak out at the blowjob part. (I’m a lesbian so it would be an awful blowjob. But that’s okay because the goal is to confuse and buy time.) Really they should freak out about the babies doing active shooter drills part.
Teachers don’t say the blowjob thing out loud, but I’m guessing a lot of us have thought about it. And it sucks that that is part of teaching in America.
